I don’t know what all the fuss about
getting married is these days. Like it is easy to be married. All these yeye boys,
they have nothing else in their heads but to imagine walking along some aisle
with their beloved, extravagantly gowned and smiling like a boxer short that is
torn somewhere around the crotch, with a/an something something karat diamond
ring glittering on her finger. To do all that is easy, they should ask Japheth
Omojuwa. He is not even married yet, but he knows how easy it is to propose
with an 18 karat diamond ring. It is as easy as giving a head on the
night of your wedding. But, to be a father, ehn, is not a joke. If you have
decided, like I did decades ago that you’ll be a father, or you are one already, then you will be doing
yourself great disservice by not reading this.
Your loan? Don’t worry about it. Your daughters’ bride prices will cater for it. You should also be smart enough to decide at the appropriate time, what percentage your sons will contribute from their salaries to the family pocket every month. Who says having a family is not a business?
In the
business of fathering, I have come to realise that there are principles that
work in the raising of some children that don’t work for other kids. The moment
you raise a child that does not respond to the style of child
nurturing that you have adopted, I have a mechanism that would work. All the
mechanism needs is you, your wife and a bed. A bed is even a luxury, you can do
it – you know what two adults do with a bed - without one. And no condoms will
be needed. I call the mechanism GBB: Going back to the Bed. It’s an adaptation
of the ‘going back to the drawing board’ expression business men use after a
plan falls flat. This is the gist: you keep giving birth to kids and adopting
new nurturing techniques for each of them until you get it right. The moment
you get it right, you can begin to adopt the technique to raise other kids.
However, try as much as possible not to exceed twelve kids. Anything above a
dozen will make people say that you have turned your wife into a baby-making
machine.
I’ll also
advise that you don’t give your children sex education. Don’t even mention sex!
I’ve heard so many parents say sex education starts from making one’s children
call private parts their real names. Don’t do it. Our fathers didn’t. Stick to
calling them thing or kokoro. You know how much sex sells
these days. So, be wary of selling sex to them. No romance novels. No
magazines. No TV for them too, except it is to watch Super Story and Pastor Chris.
Only Pastor Chris o, because he will help them develop good English fone (pronounced /fone/) and enough holy
swag.
I
can’t teach you all you need to know about fatherhood, but I am sure these
should be enough in helping you start out as a father. Good luck.
2 comments:
I wish u told my father dis earlier,things wuld've been different.its ok sha.gud boy,acceptin ur bishopic responsibilities.more grease or grace...
Lol. Thanks for reading.
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