Very early one morning, not
too long ago, I was roused by the thought of how some time ago, a year or so, some bloggers took to the internet to talk about the next big things in
their lives and careers. I didn’t know
why such memory would stomp into my mind, and at such time. I was actually
dreaming of an eternity in the bosom of a crush. We were about kissing when this
thought landed in my head. I hissed and jumped out of bed. Such are the
travails of a writer! I’m glad the thought came actually. I had been sleeping (and
dreaming) too much. A walk to the loo and back was all that followed and got me
sane enough to think as well as come up with this.
The idea of the next big thing, I observe, presupposes that
there have been things before. Big things! Life is a complex phenomenon to me
and by the way, I doubt if it is really simple to other people. Despite its
many complexities, I like it and would like to continue being part of its
intricate drama. Hence, I hate death…! To some people, this is unbelief and
unchristian. I can imagine someone making a ‘Make dis guy park well’ face. Warefa! I have parked and I did it so
well it won’t prevent me from making my point. Thank you.
A year ago, after regaining her health, a friend came
visiting. Happy as we both were, I was
expecting her, as always, to initiate the normal sweetrat, tom tom expressions
with which we greet ourselves. She didn’t. We hugged and what followed was ‘You
are scared of death. I saw it on your face!’ ‘AY, I’m not scared of death,’ she
ended. Those words, I won’t forget in a long time. I didn’t deny her
observation though. As I write this, I cannot but imagine that she was drunk on
something that had totally formatted from her head what she experienced on the
sick bed some days before. She had asked a friend to inform me that she was at the hospital. I rushed down and found her a different person. She was there lying
on the hospital bed with some friends around her. She was pale, and could
hardly talk. I could measure her pain by the cakes of dried tears that lined
her face.
I can’t imagine what she saw on my face that made her come
up with that inference. However, I must say, as I held one of her hands on the said
day, all I could think about was how young we were (and still are) and how we had/have
not really made our marks in the world. I thought about the dreams we had
shared. I imagined the impending impossibility of attaining her much cherished big
thing: winning the Booker Prize.
Again, I am scared of death…. And for one reason. Death, to
me is like a board cleaner. It wipes everything about one off the board that is
life. Just like that! ‘Shit!’ you said? Death is shit and when it happens, it
does all it can to make a mess of people. I see that happen to a whole lot of
people and the fact that I don’t want same happening to me is the reason I fear
death... Was life a white board, I would like to be scribbled on it with a
permanent board marker such that my impacts, my big things, would be forever etched
on the memories of the people after me. But where are the big things to be
written about me?
Life’s complex, it’s a mirage of some sort; it’s a
labyrinth. It’s doing one thing before the other. It’s achieving big things one
after the other. It could signify the converse of all these too. So, I woke up
that morning thinking about what the current big thing is for me and most
importantly, what the next big thing(s) would be. Life’s so unpredictable I couldn’t
(and still can’t) say assertively what the next big thing is. But I have
visions of it. Yes, I do! Perhaps, it could be that one thing I fear: DEATH, AFTER A
PALTRY, WORTHLESS LIFE.
This is what I mean: I fear death only when it is
subsequent to a paltry, worthless existence. However, the next thing for me can’t
be death! It is that big, doro
thing. And I would entertain no fear in my pursuit. My friend’s doing same. You
should too.
Do have a lovely day ahead.
